WOO: I see you haven't lost your touch Miss Marlin.

MAXIE: Sydney, Sydney Woo... and Frankie!

FRANKIE: Wrong time no see, Miss Marrin!

MAXIE: I see you're still struggling with that awful R and L substitution, Frankie.

SYDNEY’S BASS LINE

MAXIE: (DOWN) It was that Chinese lizard Sydney Woo Fei Loh and his trusty gecko Frankie Kwai Chee Chak--- both formally of San Francisco's slimy underworld. Sydney was a known white slave trader who was deported a few years back---for smuggling live monkeys into the country. (UP) Sydney, I thought you were exiled to Macao.

WOO: No thanks to you. But enough about me...what brings you to the island of Singapore?

MAXIE: My passport is not forged has my actual name on it. Do the authorities know you're here?

WOO: Singapore is a free port Miss Marlin. Businessmen from all over the world are welcomed here.

FRANKIE: Yes, Miss Marrin...this week we have big businessmen flom arr ove South East Asia...

WOO: Shuttup Frankie!

FRANKIE: Solly, Boss.

MAXIE: So, Sydney, still trading in Monkeys or have you run out of relatives to sell?

WOO: Very witty Miss Marlin...Very witty, indeed. But you are no longer in America so, I would be careful with my wit if I were you.

FRANKIE: Yes, Miss Marrin...Vely Cearfur indeed.

WOO: Mysterious things have a tendency of occurring in the Orient. Unexplained disappearances leaving more questions than answers.

MAXIE: Did I just hear a threat?

WOO: A threat? I was merely suggesting the return of a favor.

MAXIE: What favor?

MAXIE: Half the police force in the city of San Francisco was instrumental in your deportation Sydney... including my father. Do they all owe you favors?

WOO: I collect when the opportunities avail themselves.

FRANKIE: Rike now!

WOO: Your testimony was very damaging and we do so miss San Fransisco...

FRANKIE: (singing) "I reft my heart in San Flansisco...."

WOO: Shuttup Frankie....Sorry Miss Marlin… it's too much damn kereoke!

MAXIE: I'm touched... but you brought that on yourself, Sydney.

WOO: I beg to differ...

MAXIE: Beg all you want. It doesn't change a thing. I owe you nothing.

WOO: I'm disappointed. The daughter of the reputable Captain John Marlin refuses to honor a favor. It would break his heart to know this...as much as it broke his heart when you left the force for... private practice.

FRANKIE: Shame, shame, shame, Miss Marrin.

WOO: I have always been curious about the circumstances surrounding your untimely … retirement from the San Francisco Police Department.

FRANKIE: Were you a naughty gir, Miss Marrin? Your daddy no rike what you do?

MAXIE: Keep my father out of this!

WOO: But you were the one who brought him up. Despite our differences I respected your father. In fact, it was a favor I owed him that kept you alive to honor the favor you owe me today.

MAXIE: Nice try Sydney. The way I remember it, you blew your chance when your gun ran out of bullets.

WOO: The truth has many sides to it.

MAXIE: I like my side. Yours has too many holes.

WOO: Come now Miss Marlin, we go back a long way. Perhaps you could consider this favor...as a gift. Where is your Christmas spirit?

FRANKIE: (singing) "Deck the harrs wit boughs of horry...."

WOO: Oh, Shuttup! Besides, you’re Buddhist!

MAXIE: Christmas spirit? I’ve checked Santa's list and you've been very naughty. Sorry boys, no gift.

FRANKIE: Oh, too bad!

WOO: Frankie!

MAXIE: But, out of curiosity... just how would you suggest I pay back this so called favor?

WOO: You are a beautiful white American woman, Miss Marlin---a valuable commodity in this part of the world. In the spirit of the season...I was only suggesting you spread a little ...goodwill among some gentlemen I know.

MAXIE: Are these the same kind of gentlemen who would spoon the brains out of a live monkey's skull?

WOO: With a splash of brandy, it’s quite a delicacy.

MAXIE: Once a flesh monger...always a flesh monger, huh? I'm flattered Sydney, but you may have forgotten---I wasn't for sale then, and I'm not for sale now.

WOO: You may have forgotten, Miss Marlin---the commodity in this case never determines the buying or the selling.

FRANKIE: And you may have folgotten---there's two of us and onry one of you!

WOO: Good point, Frankie.

FRANKIE: Thank you, Boss.

MAXIE: I would Sydney, but you may have forgotten one little detail---I know your little secret.

WOO: W...Whatever are you talking about Miss Marlin?

MAXIE: You know.. that little problem you have.

FRANKIE: Boss, I think she is talking about...

WOO: Shuttup Frankie! Problem? Problem...Miss Marlin? (Beginning to breathe hard.) It’s not a problem---It’s a condition!

MAXIE: You wouldn't want me to aggravate this... condition, would you?

WOO: (Breathing Hard.) You wouldn't Miss Marlin! Not here!

SYDNEY’S BASS LINE

MAXIE: (DOWN) Now old Sydney had a curious...condition. For some strange reason he had an allergic reaction to women's underwear. Even the mere mention of an unmentionable would send him into a violent fit. Must be tough to be put down by something that should have given you a rise in the first place. (UP) Oh look, Sydney....a button just came undone off my blouse.

WOO: NO! NO! NOT THAT! (Beginning to wheeze)

FRANKIE: Crose youl eyes Boss! Miss Marrin! Have you no decency? In bload dayright---in the stleet?

MAXIE: A girl's got to do what a girls got to do. Besides he started it.

FRANKIE: But Miss Marrin....

MAXIE: Sydney, shall I tell you what I'm wearing under this blouse?

WOO: No! Please, NO! (Frantic Wheezing.) Don’t tell me anything!

MAXIE: Are you sure, Sydney? You know, when I got out of the shower this morning, I thought to myself… I want to feel comfortable and sexy for my tour of Singapore. What could I wear that would feel just… mmm… up against my bare skin. Then it came to me… why don’t I just slip into that little…

FRANKIE: No, Miss Marrin, Preese! Boss, quick cover your ears!

WOO: Shuttup Frankie!

FRANKIE: Yes, Boss!

MAXIE: Would you prefer if I show you?

SYDNEY: NO! PLEASE NO! (Sydney's wheezing is fast climbing to a crescendo.)

FRANKIE: I beg you Miss Marrin… Preese, No!

MAXIE: O.K. Sydney, I'll let you off this time. Like you said, it is Christmas. See? It’s buttoned again.

(Sydney's wheezing hits a crescendo and deflates with a shudder.)